Give me back my Pants, dammit!
by Dietkrillbits
Summary: Lovino wakes up from a horrible dream to find a rather surprising surprise. I'm not sure where this is going, but expect your full daily dosage of crack! :D     I might change it to T later for cussing, but right now it's indeed suitable for your spawn ;3
1. Chapter 1: A nasty surprise

**A/n: Okay, so this….. Is my first fanfic! *trumpet fanfare* And, uh… Pie anyone? *holds up apple and steak pie***

**Anyways, this idea arrived in my brain when I was listening to Len's song, 'Give me back my pants!' And, uh… This came to mind.**

**This is utter crack, so be warned. Oh yeah, DISCLAIMER TIMEZ! :D**

**Disclaimer: I OWN HETALIA AND I AM GOING TO MAKE THE WHOLE CAST DANCE THE CARMELDANSEN AND ALL MY FAVOURITE COUPLES WILL BECOME ONE AND HRE WILL BE GERMANY AND- *-shot- I…. I don't own it. ._.**

It was a beautiful day. The birds were singing as nature intended, the sun was beating on the Earth as nature intended, and the flowers were blooming as nature inten-. Well, I think you get the point.

Romano was lying peacefully in his bed, drool running from his mouth. He murmured a little and turned over, with a small smile on his face.

In Romano's dream:

"_Come back here farfallla! I just want to stroke your pretty little wings!"_

_Romano was running after a cute little butterfly in a pretty field filled with flowers._

_Yes. Flowers. And the weirdest thing of all?_

_He was smiling. _

_**Smiling**_

_Not a smirk, not a leer, not a snarl, but a smile. A genuine, happy, carefree smile._

…_I think it's pretty obvious this is crack._

_Whatever. Fanfics weren't invented to be taken seriously anyway, right?_

_Right._

_So just keep reading. Or leave. Or throw your computer in an incinerator whilst screaming that you will never come near a piece of rubbish like this ever again. Because that's what this is. Rubbish._

_Well, I've got __**bags **__of self confidence, haven't I?_

_But I digress, as I always do._

_Oh how I love digressing._

_Anyway, Romano was indeed engaging in the pursuing of the dainty insect, as it weaved its way in its own intricate meaningless dance through the flowers that were dotted in clumps around the vast piece of untouched land._

_The source of Romano's child-like joy alighted on a petunia, where if wafted in synchronicity with the plant. The personification of the southern half of Italy reached out a hand to capture it, only for the creature to disappear, without even a puff of smoke._

_Strange._

_Romano looked up in surprise, to see one of his worst nightmares come to life._

_Well, not as bad as the potato sucker, but still…_

_It was a whole horde of France heads, surrounding him in a leering, perverted circle._

"_Strip Lovi, strip~"_

"_H-huh? C-chigi! No way, jackasses!"_

"_Too late, Lovi~ Too late~"_

_And with that, they engulfed him._

He woke up with a start, sweat glistening on his forehead. Right before the alarm rang.

Huh. How convenient.

Sighing, he reached over to turn the infernal thing off, and then got out of bed.

"Okay, okay. I need to get dressed now"

He walked over to the underwear drawer, only to make a terrible discovery…

Outside:

"_**CHIGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"**_

"_Hetalia!"_

Inside:

Romano's face wore a mixture of sadness and horror as he took in the horrible sight.

His favourite underwear, red like a tomato with a red bow, a gift from (that jackass) Spain…Was missing.

And Lovino Vargas was determined to find it, no matter the cost.


	2. Suspect one: The perverted snaileater

**A/N: Hello again! Uh, did I update too early? It's just I felt kinda bad seeing that little chapter all by its lonesome. *smiles* And from personal experience, I always like it when someone updates quickly! ^^ So, who do you think the thief is? HINT: It's not the most likely people. Heh, I'm still deciding myself, maybe a suggestion from you guys will give me the inspiration! So, drop a review? I'd really appreciate it, and it will help me improve!**

**Oh, and I'm from Britain so if you're from America or somewhere like that then the words I use to describe things will be different. For example, when I use the words pants I really mean underpants. **

**And has anyone got volume 1 of the Hetalia manga? The bit where Romano is sobbing to his brother reeks of uke. And we all know Romano's uke pheromones bring ALL the semes to the yard ;3**

**Oh, and no offense to anyone from France! I really love your culture and stuff so please don't take offence! We all know what Romano is like, afterall.**

**Woah, long author's note…**

**Enjoy! Hopefully… ^^'**

After putting on a rather unsightly pair of beige boxers, Romano hastily took the next train to France.

Well, who else could it be?

He just hoped he was right; those pants were a gift from Spain and (don't laugh dammit!) they were his… Well… Favourite ones…

(RANDOM PLOT PROGRESSION FLASHBACK NO JUTSU)

"_Happy birthday Lovi~!"_

_Spain beamed one of his oblivious grins and held out a present to Romano. The Italian took the parcel and opened it slowly. At the sight of what was inside, his face flushed and he shot a very displeased glare at the Spaniard._

"_T-these are PANTS, jackass!"_

"_I know Lovi~! They were so cute I just KNEW you'd love them! I hope they fit!"_

"_Pervert! I KNEW you just wanted to get in my pants! And don't play dumb because I KNOW you do! Hell, you even hang out with that perverted snail-eater!"_

"_Eh? But Lov-"_

"_Che palle, don't play dumb with me!"_

_Spain gave a hurt look, his bottom lip trembling as his eyes watered up. Romano swiftly felt his resolve dissolving. Not good._

"_But Lovi, I searched lots and lots of shops to find you a gift! My feet ad legs are really sore and I thought you would love this but now you're yelling at me and-"_

"_Fine, I'll take it! Just stop that face. You look like a moron."_

"_Huh? That's great Lovi! You make Boss so happy~!"_

"_Eh? Get off! CHIGII!"_

( END FLASHBACK NO JUTSU)

Romano found himself smiling slightly at the memory and shook his head. No way was he getting all sentimental at that tomato jerk! He was all man, baby. All man!

…Shut up!

The train soon arrived close to France's house, and Romano stepped off (with added manliness), finding himself in a VERY crowded town.

To find France waiting for him.

What. The. Hell.

Did this guy have a sixth sense for potential victims or something?

Romano shrugged. At least he didn't need to hunt him down. Ugh, he really hated France. All those perverted wine drinkers with their leery looks and frogs and snails…

"Oh, Lovi, it's you! I knew a cute boy was coming but I had no idea it would be you~! Such a pleasant surprise! So, ready to become one with France-nii chan~?"

"No way pervert! I just want to ask you something…"

"Oh? Well, would you like to ask me over some wine and breakfast? I know a very refined restaurant, far better than your very cliche dining."

"…Fine. But make any moves and I'll gouge your eyes out with a spoon."

"So hurtful, Romano. I don't know _what_ Tonio sees in you!"

….Romano would just forget he said that.

"Look, can we just get this over with?"

France tutted, but told Romano to follow him.

(ONE REALLY LAZY SCENE CHANGE LATER)

The restaurant was actually pretty nice, by Romano's standards. No questionable things on the walls, and the waitresses seemed decent. He wasn't going to let his guard down though.

"So, Lovi. What was it you wanted to ask?"

Romano took a deep breath. There was no turning back now.

"Well… Have you took… My pants?"

Dammit. That didn't come out the way he wanted. France looked at him strangely then laughed.

"Ohnhonhonhonhon~ What a silly question, Lovi~"

"Shut up jackass! Did you take them or not?"

France wiped a tear from his eye.

"Of course not, _mon amore_. If I did Spain would most likely damage my beautiful face!"

Romano blinked in shock. What? But the pervert was one of his top suspects! Who was he supposed to go to now? He shook his head slightly and regained his composure.

"Well, I suppose that's alright." He stood up. "Thanks for… For your time"

Wow, disappointment sure did change him. He walked out, pondering who to ask next, leaving an irritated France with a plate of pasta that he would need to pay for. Damn Italian…

Outside:

Romano had by then sorted out his options, and had come to a (to him) very reasonable decision.

Germany and Prussia,. The two damn potato suckers.

Well, at least then he could kill two birds with one stone.

What could possibly go wrong?

**A/N: Wow, that was far longer than I expected. The dialouge was really awkward because I find that sort of thing hard to do. Did I do alright? Were my France and Spain OOC? And Romano? I'd really appreciate thoughts, so please drop a review! Bye-nii~**


End file.
